Digital & Spiritual Abuse: Modern and Ancient Chains of Control
- Claire Welch
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
In our exploration of coercive control, we have dismantled the prisons built with words, money, and physical force. Now, we turn to two forms of abuse that weaponise the very tools meant to connect and uplift us: our technology and our beliefs. Digital abuse and spiritual abuse represent the sinister adaptation of coercive control into the modern age and its invasion into our most sacred inner spaces.
As a Holistic Counsellor, I see these not as separate issues, but as profound violations of a person’s cyber-autonomy and spiritual integrity. They attack the modern self—who we are online and in our communities—and the eternal self—who we are in our deepest beliefs and values. The goal remains the same: to dominate, isolate, and erase individual will.
Let's illuminate these often-overlooked tactics, understanding how the screen and the scripture can be twisted into chains.
Digital Abuse: Coercive Control in the Connected Age
Digital or technology-facilitated abuse involves using devices, platforms, and data to stalk, harass, monitor, and control a partner. It turns tools of connection into instruments of surveillance and fear, creating a panopticon where one feels watched at all times (Stark, 2007).
Tactics and Real-Life Manifestations:
Hyper-Surveillance and Stalking:
Example: Liam's partner insisted they share their phone's location 'for safety.' Now, if Liam takes a different route home from work, he immediately gets a call: 'Why are you on Main Street? Who are you seeing?'
Other Methods: Installing spyware on phones/computers, demanding constant check-ins via photo or video call, and using smart home devices (doorbells, speakers) to monitor movements and conversations.
Harassment and Cyber-Humiliation:
Example: After an argument, Zoe's ex-partner bombards her with hundreds of abusive text messages throughout the night. He also posts embarrassing, edited photos of her on a social media account shared with their friends.
Other Methods: Sending threatening or degrading messages, spreading lies online, hacking social media accounts to post damaging content or read private messages.
Control and Isolation via Technology:
Example: Raj's wife demands the passwords to all his email and social media accounts. She then messages his friends from his profile, saying he's too busy to see them, gradually isolating him from his support network.
Other Methods: Controlling who the victim can be friends with online, restricting internet or phone use as punishment, or excessively tagging/locating the victim online to undermine their privacy.
The Holistic Impact:
This abuse breeds a state of constant anxiety, where a notification chime can trigger panic. It erodes trust in technology, a necessary tool for modern life, and can lead to social withdrawal. The victim's digital identity—a core part of the contemporary self—is colonised by the abuser.
Spiritual Abuse: Weaponising the Sacred
Spiritual abuse involves manipulating, distorting, or prohibiting a person’s spiritual beliefs, practices, or community to gain power and control. It desecrates what is holy to the individual, using it as a lever for domination (Johnson & VanVonderen, 1991).
Tactics and Real-Life Manifestations:
Using Doctrine to Demand Submission:
Example: Ayesha finds deep peace in her daily meditation. Her husband consistently interrupts her, calling it a 'selfish waste of time.' He then uses selective verses from their shared religious text to tell her that a 'good wife' focuses solely on her family's needs, not her own spiritual 'indulgences.'
Other Methods: Quoting religious or philosophical texts out of context to justify abusive behavior, demand obedience, or forbid the victim from working, studying, or making personal decisions.
Isolating from a Faith Community:
Example: Marcus's partner tells him their church leader is 'toxic' and that the congregation is 'full of hypocrites.' They start scheduling conflicting family activities every Sunday, gradually cutting Marcus off from a community that had been his primary source of support for a decade.
Other Methods: Criticising the victim's spiritual leader, creating conflict before community gatherings, or forbidding attendance at services, study groups, or rituals.
Mocking and Belittling Core Beliefs:
Example: When Elena, a pagan, sets up a small altar for the solstice, her partner ridicules her, calling her practices 'childish superstition' and deliberately 'cleaning' by putting her sacred items in a drawer.
Other Methods: Mocking prayers, rituals, or dietary practices; refusing to respect spaces or times dedicated to spiritual practice; or defining the victim's beliefs as inherently wrong or inferior.
The Holistic Impact:
This abuse creates a profound crisis of meaning and identity. It can lead to feelings of deep shame, spiritual confusion, and a severed connection to a core source of strength, comfort, and moral grounding. The spirit, a wellspring of resilience, is poisoned at its source.
The Path to Reclaiming Your Digital and Spiritual Self: A Holistic Recovery
Healing involves severing the abusive chains around your online life and your inner belief system, and reclaiming both as territories of personal freedom.
Digital Reclamation & Safety:
Conduct a Digital Audit: With support from a tech-savvy advocate, change all passwords, enable two-factor authentication on new devices, check for and remove spyware, and review privacy settings on all platforms.
Establish Digital Boundaries: Learn to use blocking and reporting tools. Create new, private email and social media accounts to rebuild a safe community. Consider a "digital detox" period to reset your nervous system's association between technology and threat.
Reclaim Your Online Narrative: Consciously post, share, and connect with things that reflect your true self, not the identity the abuser tried to construct for you.
Spiritual Reintegration & Healing:
Reclaim Your Practice on Your Own Terms: Return to your spiritual practices in private, safe ways. This might mean meditating in a new spot, praying in a different way, or engaging with nature. The goal is to reconnect with the feeling, not the form that was weaponised.
Seek a Supportive Community: Gently explore new spiritual communities or reconnect with trusted members of your old one, sharing your experience only when you feel safe. Look for communities that emphasise personal agency and compassion.
Engage in Spiritual Counselling: A counsellor who understands the trauma of spiritual abuse can help you separate healthy faith from manipulative dogma and rebuild a personal spirituality that is liberating, not confining.
Holistic Integration:
Somatic Grounding: Both forms of abuse can cause disembodiment. Practices like yoga, breathwork, or walking in nature can help you ground back into your physical self, away from the digital ether and spiritual conflict.
Comments