The Unseen Wounds: A Deep Dive into Emotional and Psychological Abuse
- Claire Welch
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
In our previous conversation, we explored the "invisible prison" of coercive control. Now, let's shine a bright light on the very bricks and mortar of that prison: emotional and psychological abuse. While physical violence leaves visible marks, this form of abuse targets your inner world—your mind, your emotions, and your very sense of self.
As a holistic counsellor, I see the profound damage this causes. It’s a slow, insidious erosion, like water wearing away stone. It’s confusing because it’s often intertwined with moments of love and kindness, making you question your own reality. But make no mistake: emotional and psychological abuse is a form of brainwashing designed to make you pliable, dependent, and devoid of the will to leave.
The goal is control, and the tactics are varied and devastating. Let's break down the most common ones with clear, real-life examples.
1. Gaslighting: Making You Question Your Own Sanity
This is perhaps the most infamous tactic. Gaslighting is a persistent and deliberate effort to make you doubt your memory, perception, and even your sanity. The term comes from a play where a husband dims the gas lights and then denies it’s happening, making his wife believe she is losing her mind.
What it looks like in practice:
Denying Reality: You know they said they would handle the school pick-up. They didn't. When you're furious, they say, "I never said that. You must have forgotten. You have such a terrible memory."
Countering: You recall a past vacation as stressful. They insist, "No, that was one of our best trips ever! You're always rewriting our history to make me look bad." They confidently assert their false version of events until you start to believe it.
Trivializing Your Feelings: You express that a comment hurt you. They reply, "You're so sensitive. I can't say anything without you overreacting. It was just a joke." They pathologise your normal, human emotional responses.
2. Verbal Abuse and Chronic Criticism: The Erosion of Self-Esteem
This isn't about a one-time heated argument. It’s a sustained campaign of criticism, name-calling, and belittling that systematically dismantles your self-worth.
What it looks like in practice:
The Constant Critique: Nothing you do is right. "You're doing that wrong." "That's not how you fold laundry." "You're a terrible cook." The criticism is about everything, big and small, until you feel incompetent in your own life.
Name-Calling and Mockery: They use demeaning labels like "stupid," "crazy," or "lazy," often disguised as "jokes." In front of friends, they might say, "Oh, don't ask her, she can't even balance a cheque book," laughing while you shrink inside.
The "Double Bind": This is a no-win situation. If you are quiet, they accuse you of sulking. If you speak up, they say you're aggressive. If you get a promotion, they say you're neglecting the family. If you don't, they call you unmotivated. You are constantly set up to fail.
3. Isolation: Cutting You Off from Your Support System
An abuser knows that your friends and family are a lifeline—a source of reality-checking and strength. Therefore, they must be systematically removed.
What it looks like in practice:
Demonizing Your Loved Ones: "Your sister is so manipulative, she's just trying to break us up." "Your friends are a bad influence; they're all losers." They plant seeds of doubt about everyone you trust.
Creating Scenarios: They start arguments or get "sick" right before you're supposed to see family or go out with friends, making socialising so fraught with drama that you eventually stop trying to avoid the fallout.
Monopolising Time: They demand all your time and attention, making you feel guilty for wanting to spend a moment away from them. Over time, your world shrinks until it contains only them.
4. Control and Domination: The "My Way or the Highway" Rule
This is the enforcement of arbitrary rules and expectations where your needs, opinions, and preferences are irrelevant.
What it looks like in practice:
Dictating Your Appearance: They tell you what to wear, how to style your hair, or make critical comments about your weight. "You're not wearing that, are you?" or "Men don't like women with short hair."
Control Through "Logic": They insist that their way of doing things—from loading the dishwasher to raising the children—is the only "correct" and "logical" way. Any deviation is met with condescension and frustration.
Making All Major Decisions: They unilaterally decide where you live, what car you drive, and how you spend money, treating you not as a partner, but as a subordinate.
The Holistic Impact: Mind, Body, and Spirit
The damage of this abuse is not just "in your head." It has tangible, physical and spiritual consequences:
The Mind: Anxiety, depression, hypervigilance (constantly feeling "on edge"), and difficulty making simple decisions.
The Body: The chronic stress can manifest as insomnia, digestive issues, autoimmune flares, tension headaches, and a perpetually weakened immune system.
The Spirit: A deep loss of joy, a sense of hopelessness, and the feeling that your essential self—your passions, your laughter, your light—has been extinguished.
The Path to Reclaiming Your Reality: A Holistic Approach
Healing is not just about stopping the abuse; it's about rebuilding the self that was torn down.
Name It to Tame It: Simply reading this article and recognizing these patterns is a revolutionary act of validation. You are not crazy, oversensitive, or the problem.
Rebuild Your Support System: Gently and safely, try to reconnect with one trusted person you've been isolated from. Their perspective is a vital antidote to the poison.
Reclaim Your Mind with a Professional: A counsellor specializing in trauma provides a safe, objective space to untangle the gaslighting, process the grief, and rebuild your self-trust.
Soothe Your Body: Practice gentle, grounding activities like yoga, walking in nature, or breathwork. These help regulate your nervous system and remind you that you are safe in your own body.
Nourish Your Spirit: Re-engage with a hobby, creative outlet, or spiritual practice that the abuse stole from you. This is a powerful way to reconnect with your core identity and joy.
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