A Framework for a Relationship Health Check

Guiding Philosophy 

This framework is intended to be used as a way to identify areas of strength and opportunities for growth within a relationship.

The goal is curiosity and understanding, not blame. The conversation itself is the intervention.

Helpful Concepts for This Process

Before you begin this process, its a great idea to be familiarise yourself with a few concepts. I recommend you read the following articles:

 

· Conflict vs. Abuse - Is It a Bad Patch or Something Worse? A Guide to Telling the Difference Between Conflict and Abuse

· Reflexive Listening - Embracing Conflict: Transforming Challenges into Connection  

· Subjective Realities - Holding Multiple Realities in Love: How to Stop Declaring War and Start Building Connection

· Boundaries and Accountability - Fundamentals of Relationships: Working Towards Empowering Relationships  

How to Use This Framework

Set the Stage: Choose a calm, neutral time. Agree to use it as a team. Frame it as: "I want us to be strong and connected. Can we explore how we're doing together?"

Take Turns: One person asks a question, the other answers fully. The listener practices reflective listening ("What I hear you saying is..."). Then switch.

 

Focus on One Area Per Session: Do not attempt to cover all areas at once. This can be overwhelming. A 20-minute focused conversation on "Communication" is more valuable than a 3-hour marathon on everything.

 

Use "I" Statements: The questions are designed to elicit personal experience, not accusation.

 

Scoring and Action Plan:

After discussing an area, each partner can rate it on a scale of 1-10.

8-10 (Green Zone): Strength. Acknowledge and celebrate this. "What are we doing that makes communication so strong? Let's keep doing it!"

 

5-7 (Yellow Zone): Needs Attention. This is the growth zone. "What is one small, concrete thing we could each do to move this from a 6 to a 7?"

 

1-4 (Red Zone): Requires Immediate, Focused Effort. This area is causing significant pain. "This is hard. We need to make this a priority. Can we schedule a time next week to talk only about this? Would seeing a couples therapist help us with this specific issue?"

 

Very Important Note

This framework is designed for relationships that are fundamentally respectful. If you identify significant patterns of contempt, control, emotional abuse, or fear, the most important "health check" is to prioritise your safety and seek individual support from a therapist or a domestic violence hotline. A couples counsellor is not recommended in situations of ongoing abuse.

 

Area 1: Foundation & Individual Well-Being

 

Rationale: A healthy relationship is built by two healthy individuals. You cannot pour from an empty cup. This area assesses the bedrock of the partnership.

 

Individuality & Autonomy:

 

Do we both have a sense of self outside of the "we"?

 

Do we support each other's hobbies, friendships, and growth, even when they don't directly involve the other?

 

Do I feel I can disagree with you without fear of retaliation or losing the relationship?

 

Personal Responsibility & Mental Health:

 

Are we each taking responsibility for our own triggers, past baggage, and emotional regulation?

 

How are we each managing our stress? Is our personal stress being dumped onto the relationship?

 

Respect for Boundaries:

 

Do we respect each other's stated boundaries around time, space, and emotional energy?

 

Can we say "no" to each other without it causing a major conflict?

 

Area 2: Communication & Conflict

Rationale: It's not the absence of conflict, but how it's repaired that matters. This area assesses the daily "hygiene" of your interactions.

 

The Four Horsemen (Gottman; 2015): 

 

Criticism vs. Complaint: When I have a grievance, do I attack your character ("You're so lazy") or state a specific need ("I'm upset the dishes are still in the sink")?

 

Contempt: Do I use sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, or name-calling?

 

Defensiveness: When you bring something up, do I make excuses or counter-complain, or can I listen and take responsibility for my part?

 

Stonewalling: Do I shut down, withdraw, or give the "silent treatment" during tense conversations?

 

Relational Empowerment (Real; 2022):

 

Can we both hold onto our own dignity and self-respect while also respecting the other during a fight?

 

Do we use "impact" language? ("When you did X, I felt Y") rather than accusatory language ("You made me feel Y").

 

After a fight, do we seek to repair? Can we genuinely apologise and receive an apology?

Area 3: Emotional & Physical Intimacy

Rationale: Intimacy is the glue. It's built through vulnerability, attunement, and shared pleasure.

Emotional Connection:

 

Do I feel seen, known, and valued by you for who I am?

 

Do we share our inner worlds—dreams, fears, and vulnerabilities—with each other?

 

Do we turn towards each other's bids for connection (a laugh, a touch, a story) or away from them?

 

 

Physical Intimacy & Sexuality (Perel; 2017):

 

Is our sexual relationship a source of connection, tension, or distance?

 

Do we feel comfortable talking about our desires and needs in the bedroom?

 

How is the balance between comfort/security and mystery/eroticism in our relationship? (The "Two Towers" of love, according to Perel).

 

 

Affection & Play:

 

Do we have fun together? Do we laugh?

 

Is there non-sexual physical affection (holding hands, hugs, casual touch) in our daily life?

 

Area 4: Shared Vision & Teamwork

Rationale: A relationship is a project you build together. This area checks if you're building the same thing and working as a team.

Values & Goals:

 

Are we aligned on our core values (e.g., on money, family, spirituality)?

 

Do we have a shared vision for our future? Do we feel like we are "on the same team" working towards common goals?

 

Roles & Responsibilities:

 

Do we have a fair and functional division of labor (chores, mental load, childcare)?

 

Do we feel like partners in managing our household and life, or does one person carry more of the burden?

 

Finances:

 

Are we open and honest about money?

 

Do we have a shared understanding and agreement on spending, saving, and financial goals?

 

Reference List:

Bancroft, L. (2003). Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Berkley Books. 

Durvasula, R. S. (2019). "Don't you know who I am?": How to stay sane in an era of narcissism, entitlement, and incivility. Post Hill Press.

Durvasula, R. S. (2023). Working with antagonistic clients without losing yourself [Keynote presentation]. Connecticut Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Annual Conference. https://networks.aamft.org/connecticut/2026-conference/conference-keynote 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert (2nd ed.). Harmony Books.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12182

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press. 

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.

Perel, E. (2017). Introduction to Esther Perel's couples therapy approach [Master Class]. PESI UK. https://www.pesi.co.uk/classroom/classroomproductsdescription?classroomId=437 

Perel, E. (2007). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. HarperCollins.

Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. HarperCollins.

Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting past you and me to build a more loving relationship. Goop Press/Rodale Books. 

Real, T. (2008). The new rules of marriage: What you need to know to make love work. Bantam Books.