Is It a Bad Patch or Something Worse? A Guide to Telling the Difference Between Conflict and Abuse
- Claire Welch
- Oct 29
- 4 min read
As a holistic counsellor, I sit with clients who are often navigating deep emotional pain within their relationships. A question that arises time and again, whispered with a mixture of fear and hope, is: “Is this normal conflict, or is something fundamentally wrong?”
Our culture romanticises passion and drama, often blurring the lines between intense chemistry and toxic dynamics. This confusion can keep people trapped in cycles of pain, blaming themselves for a problem they didn’t create.
The truth is, not all relational pain is created equal. Distinguishing between repairable conflict and exploitative abuse is not just a semantic exercise—it’s a critical act of self-preservation. Let’s explore the key differences.
The Checklist: Exploitation vs. Repairable Conflict
Think of a recent disagreement or hurtful incident. How does your partner’s behaviour measure up against these indicators?
Indicator | Exploitative Abuse | Repairable Conflict |
Intent & Accountability | Denies wrongdoing; blames you (“You made me do this”). | Takes responsibility; shows genuine remorse. |
Pattern vs. Incident | Chronic, cyclical behaviour (the idealise – devalue – discard cycle). | Isolated incidents; no repeating, punishing cycles. |
Gaslighting | Denies your reality; makes you doubt your memory/sanity. | Validates your perspective even when disagreeing. |
Empathy | No genuine concern for your pain; may mock your feelings. | Listens to your hurt; makes attempts to understand and repair. |
Entitlement | Expects special treatment; violates boundaries without guilt. | Respects “no”; negotiates needs respectfully. |
Manipulation | Uses guilt, threats, or intense love-bombing to control you. | Communicates directly, with no hidden agendas. |
Outcome of Confrontation | You are punished (silent treatment, rage, smear campaigns). | Engages to resolve; seeks mutual understanding. |
Power Imbalance | Seeks to dominate; undermines your autonomy and self-worth. | Values equality; supports your independence. |
Key Clinical Insights for Your Journey
The "3+ Rule"
In practice, I often use a simple but powerful guideline: If you can identify three or more of the indicators in the "Exploitation" column consistently, you are likely dealing with exploitative abuse, not simple conflict. This isn't about keeping score in a healthy relationship; it's about recognising a destructive pattern.
Trauma Bonds vs. Temporary Ruptures: The "Why Do I Miss Them?" Conundrum
This is one of the most confusing aspects for clients. Why does the pain feel so intertwined with intense longing?
Trauma Bonds are a Red Flag for Exploitation: This is the intense, addictive chemistry built on intermittent reinforcement—the unpredictable hot-and-cold behaviour. You’re given just enough affection or hope (the "breadcrumbs") to keep you hooked in a cycle of craving and withdrawal. This is a neurological trap, not love.
Steady Affection with Temporary Ruptures Indicates Conflict: In healthy relationships, there is a steady foundation of care and respect. Disruptions (conflicts) are temporary breaches in an otherwise sound structure. The goal of repair is to return to that steady state.
The Prognosis: Two Radically Different Paths
This is the most critical takeaway. The path to healing looks completely different based on which dynamic you’re in.
For Exploitation: Recovery requires exit and safety strategies. This means establishing no-contact or low-contact boundaries. Couples therapy is not only ineffective here but can be dangerous, as a manipulative person will often use the therapist’s insights as further ammunition against you.
For Repairable Conflict: Recovery is suited for couples therapy. Here, both parties are capable of introspection and change. The work involves rebuilding trust, honing communication skills, and healing past ruptures together.
How to Use This Knowledge: A Holistic Framework
If You're Questioning Your Relationship:
Audit Your History: Take a quiet moment to reflect. Ask yourself: “When I have expressed hurt in the past, what was the response?” Look for patterns, not just isolated, best-behaviour incidents.
Listen to Your Body: Your nervous system holds wisdom your mind might rationalise. Do you feel constantly on edge, drained, or fearful? Or do you feel fundamentally safe, even when angry or upset?
Validate Your Reality: If you see exploitation, the first and most profound step is to validate your own experience. Tell yourself: “This isn’t normal conflict; this is abuse.” This single thought can begin to dismantle the mountain of self-blame.
Prioritise Safety and Self-Trust:
If your checklist points toward exploitation, your focus must shift.
Safety Planning: Discuss no-contact or structured contact strategies with a trusted friend or therapist. Your safety is non-negotiable.
Address the Trauma Bond: Understand that “missing them” is a symptom of the addiction, not a sign of true love. Educate yourself on this biochemical pull to disarm its power.
Build Radical Self-Trust: Your pain is data. Your confusion is data. Your exhaustion is data. Begin to trust the messages your body and spirit are sending you. Reconnect with your own intuition—the very thing the gaslighting sought to destroy.
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