The Invisible Prison: Understanding Coercive Control and the Many Faces of Abuse
- Claire Welch
- Nov 25
- 5 min read
Determining what constitutes coercive control and abuse can be very confusing; even finding a clear definition is difficult. This article gives a broad overview of the types of abuse and some real examples. Each of the types of abuse will be discussed in more detail in my upcoming blogs.
One of the most confusing aspects for survivors is that the relationship isn’t all bad. This confusion is not a sign that you are mistaken; it is a deliberate and powerful effect of the abuse itself.
This "good times, bad times" dynamic is perfectly described by the Cycle of Abuse:
Tension-Building: A period of "walking on eggshells," with rising criticism, irritation, and control.
The Incident: An explosion of abuse—which could be verbal, emotional, physical, or financial.
Reconciliation / The "Honeymoon Phase": The abuser becomes apologetic, loving, and kind, often making promises to change or buying gifts. This phase feeds hope and creates a powerful "trauma bond".
Calm: The tension subsides, and things feel "normal" again, reinforcing the belief that the "real" person is back.
This cycle repeats, and over time, the hope during the "honeymoon" phase can become a prison cell. This entire cycle is part of a larger strategy known as coercive control.
As experts like Dr. Evan Stark have articulated, coercive control is the strategic pattern of domination that entraps a person in their own life. It's the "invisible prison" built not with bars, but with rules, intimidation, and isolation. Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula reinforces this, explaining that the ultimate goal is not just to hurt you, but to control you—your thoughts, your actions, your resources, and your spirit.
Abuse is defined by this overarching pattern of behaviours used to gain and maintain power. It can be a single severe act, or more commonly, a series of acts where the harm accumulates over time, eroding your sense of self and safety.
Healing begins when we can step back and see these individual tactics as part of the larger, controlling pattern. Let’s explore the common types of domestic violence as manifestations of this larger strategy of coercive control.
1. Psychological Abuse: The Foundation of the Prison
This is the systematic erosion of your self-worth and your trust in your own reality. It is the primary tool for establishing control.
What it can look like:
The Gaslight: You confront your partner about a flirty text message. They respond, "I never got a text like that. You're imagining things. You're so paranoid, you must be cheating on me". This tactic makes you doubt your own memory and perception.
The Isolation: Mark's wife consistently tells him his friends are "immature" and his family is "toxic". She gets visibly upset when he makes plans without her. Over time, to avoid the conflict, Mark stops returning calls. The harm accumulates: he loses his support system, becoming increasingly dependent on his partner for validation.
2. Financial Abuse: Engineering Dependence
This is a calculated strategy to make you financially reliant and unable to leave. It is a powerful method of control that traps a person as effectively as a locked door.
What it can look like:
The Allowance: Chloe works full-time, but her partner insists on managing all the finances "because he's better at it". He gives her a meagre weekly cash allowance, demanding itemised receipts. The cumulative effect is the feeling of being a child, not a partner, stripping away her autonomy.
Sabotage: David is repeatedly late for work because his partner hides his keys or starts intense arguments just as he needs to leave. When he faces a formal warning, she says, "See? You can't even handle a simple job". This pattern undermines his professional stability and self-esteem.
3. Physical & Sexual Coercion: Enforcing Control Through Fear
These acts enforce control through fear and the violation of bodily integrity. As experts like Dr. Judith Herman note, this trauma can fragment a person's sense of safety in their own body.
What it can look like:
The Cycle of Tension and Incident: Ben's wife has a pattern. For days, tension builds with silent treatments. It escalates to a shove or a slap. Afterwards, she becomes deeply apologetic. This "cycle of abuse" creates a powerful trauma bond, where the victim stays for the "good times" while living in fear of the next explosion.
Sexual Coercion: Sarah's partner wears her down. When she says she's tired, he guilt-trips her: "If you really loved me, you'd want to be close to me". He persists until she reluctantly gives in to avoid a fight. This is not consent; it is coercion, destroying the foundation of a healthy sexual relationship.
4. Digital & Spiritual Abuse: Modern and Ancient Chains
These forms use technology and core beliefs as weapons to enforce compliance within the prison of control.
What it can look like:
Digital Surveillance: Alex's girlfriend uses a shared location app to track his every move. If he stops at a store, he receives a barrage of texts: "Why are you there? Who are you with?" This creates a panopticon effect—a feeling of being watched at all times.
Spiritual Manipulation: Anita's husband mocks her meditation practice, then uses verses from their shared faith to tell her that her "role" is to submit to his decisions. The cumulative harm is the weaponization of her spirituality, turning a source of peace into a source of control and shame.
A Holistic Path to Reclaiming Your Self
Healing from coercive control is about assembling the pieces of your identity that the abuse sought to dismantle. It is a journey out of the invisible prison and back to yourself.
Your journey involves:
Education and Validation: Learning from the work of experts helps you understand that what you experienced has a name and a pattern. This knowledge validates your reality and dismantles the gaslighting.
Reclaiming Your Mind: Counselling provides a space to untangle the web of confusion, rebuild your self-trust, and challenge the negative core beliefs installed by the abuse.
Reconnecting with Your Body: Somatic practices can help you release stored trauma, regulate your nervous system, and feel safe and at home in your body again.
Nourishing Your Spirit: Re-engaging with communities and practices that align with your true self—not the one dictated by your abuser—restores a sense of purpose and connection.
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