Navigating Relationship Dynamics: Understanding Flags for Wellness
- Claire Welch
- Oct 20
- 5 min read
Updated: Nov 27
The Importance of Healthy Relationships
In our journey toward wellness, our relationships play a pivotal role. They can be a source of immense joy, support, and growth, or they can be a significant source of stress, pain, and imbalance. As a Holistic Counsellor, I believe that true health encompasses the mind, body, and spirit—and this includes the health of our connections with others.
Learning to distinguish between healthy, cautionary, and unhealthy relationship dynamics is a crucial form of self-care. Think of it as an emotional toolkit. To help you build yours, let’s explore the concept of relationship flags: Red, Amber, and Green.
Why Patterns, Not Just Incidents, Matter
A single argument or a bad day doesn’t define a relationship. The true character of a partnership reveals itself in patterns over time. This understanding is especially important in the context of the cycle of abuse, which often isn't a constant state of crisis but a recurring loop that can create confusion, hope, and profound pain. Recognising the flags we discuss below is the key to spotting these underlying patterns, breaking through the confusion, and trusting your own experience.
Understanding the Cycle of Abuse
The "cycle of abuse" is a model that helps explain the repetitive pattern of unhealthy and abusive relationships. It's not a one-size-fits-all, but it captures a common dynamic that keeps people trapped. Understanding this cycle is empowering because it shows that what you're experiencing isn't random; it's a predictable pattern.
The cycle typically has four phases:
1. Tension Building
This is the "walking on eggshells" phase. Stress builds, communication breaks down, and the abusive partner becomes increasingly irritable, critical, or withdrawn. The person on the receiving end often feels anxious and tries to placate their partner to prevent an explosion.
How flags appear: This phase is often filled with Amber Flags (escalating sarcasm, withdrawal, passive aggression) that can escalate into Red Flags (verbal aggression, intimidation).
2. The Incident
This is the explosion where the abusive behaviour peaks. It can involve an acute episode of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse—such as a violent outburst, a threatening tirade, intense gaslighting, or coercive control.
How flags appear: This phase is defined by clear Red Flags. The unhealthy behaviour is fully manifested.
3. Reconciliation / "The Honeymoon Phase"
After the incident, the abusive partner may feel remorse (or fear of consequences). They often use loving gestures to "make up" for their behaviour. This can include apologies, gifts, promises to change, or being exceptionally charming and attentive. This phase can create a powerful trauma bond, as it provides relief and reinforces hope that "things will be different this time."
How flags appear: This phase can be confusing because it may mimic Green Flags (kindness, affection). However, if these behaviours are only present after an abusive incident and are not consistent, they are part of the cycle, not genuine change.
4. Calm
The incident is "forgiven," the tension has dissipated, and the relationship seems to have returned to normal. The abusive partner may behave as if nothing happened. This period of peace can make the person experiencing abuse doubt the severity of the incident or believe their partner has truly changed.
How flags appear: The calm phase can feel like a Green Flag environment, but the underlying issues are unresolved. The cycle will inevitably repeat, often escalating over time.
Recognising this cycle helps us see that isolated "good times" do not cancel out abuse. The flags help us identify the toxic patterns within this cycle.
The Flags: Your Relationship Compass
Let’s break down what these flags mean and how to use this framework.
Red Flags
Clear warning signs of potentially abusive, coercive, or controlling behaviour. These are non-negotiable indicators that your safety or autonomy is being undermined. They often represent the "tension-building" or "incident" phases of the abuse cycle.
Amber Flags
Situations that aren’t clearly abusive but merit caution, conversation, and more observation. These are the yellow lights of a relationship—proceed with awareness. They are often prominent in the "tension-building" phase and can be early warnings of escalating patterns.
Green Flags
Consistently healthy, respectful, and mutually supportive behaviours that foster safety, trust, and growth. These are the foundations of a secure and thriving partnership and are the antidote to the abuse cycle.
Identifying the Flags in Your Relationship
Red Flags (Unhealthy/Unsafe Patterns)
Safety & Autonomy: Any form of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse; isolation from friends/family; constant monitoring of your whereabouts or communications.
Respect & Consent: Dismissing your feelings, belittling you, repeatedly violating your boundaries, or blaming you for their actions.
Communication & Trust: Chronic lying, gaslighting (making you doubt your reality), intense jealousy that leads to accusations, or verbal aggression during disagreements.
Example: Your partner demands your phone passwords, accuses you of flirting with anyone you talk to, criticises and tells you your feelings are "irrational" or "crazy."
Amber Flags (Caution – Patterns Worth Watching)
Boundaries & Autonomy: Occasional pressure to do things you're uncomfortable with, or sending mixed messages about commitment.
Communication: Using the "silent treatment" after a disagreement, or having blurry boundaries with others that make you uncomfortable.
Conflict Dynamics: Disagreements that quickly turn sarcastic or passive-aggressive, or a partner who occasionally twists the truth to avoid blame.
Example: Your partner cancels plans last-minute frequently, and while they apologise, their actions don't change. You're left feeling like a low priority. Your partner sometimes withholds affection after an argument to manipulate your behaviour, but they apologise and try to repair in a few days.
Green Flags (Healthy, Supportive Patterns)
Safety & Respect: You feel physically and emotionally safe. Your boundaries are respected, and you are treated with kindness, even in conflict.
Communication & Honesty: You can share concerns openly without fear. Your partner is transparent and tells the truth consistently.
Equality & Partnership: Decisions are shared, effort is balanced, and you both support each other’s individual goals and friendships.
Example: During a disagreement, your partner listens without interrupting, validates your perspective, and works with you to find a compromise.
What to Do When You See a Flag
If You See Red Flags
Prioritise your safety. This is a time to seriously re-evaluate the relationship. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a professional (like a counsellor or a domestic violence hotline) for support. Trust your intuition—if it feels unsafe, it likely is.
If You See Amber Flags
Pause and communicate. Use "I" statements to express your concerns ("I feel uncertain when plans change last minute"). Set a clear, bounded expectation and observe if the behaviour improves over time. This is where conscious communication and boundary-setting are key.
If You See Green Flags
Acknowledge and nurture them. Express appreciation for the healthy dynamics. Continue to build trust through open communication and mutual respect. This is the fertile ground where a beautiful partnership can grow.
A Holistic Approach to Relationship Health
Evaluating your relationships isn't about being hyper-vigilant or finding fault; it's about honouring your own well-being. It’s about aligning your connections with your journey toward a whole and healthy life.
My Tips for You:
Trust your intuition. Your mind and body often sense danger before you can logically explain it. If something feels off repeatedly, take it seriously.
Observe patterns over time. Keep a journal if it helps you see the bigger picture. Ask yourself: "Does this remind me of a past incident? Is this part of a cycle?"
Seek support. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Talking with a trusted friend or a professional can provide clarity, validation, and an outside perspective on the patterns you're experiencing.
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